Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
