either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize