Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This is the high leading the old right now
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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