I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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