i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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