"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
