that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
