I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
