That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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