I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
