Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
