Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize