The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
