call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
