this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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