Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
