my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
