It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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