I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
