There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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