She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
