Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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