eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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