seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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