Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
