Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
