So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
