rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
