I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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