He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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