I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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