sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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