cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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