there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
