I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize