if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
