I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
