I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Sorry my hands just texted you
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
