3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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