Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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