i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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