Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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