were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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