Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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