Jerry, you need to find god
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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