Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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