my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
