his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
