I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
They have beer where we have blood.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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