I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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