Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
