Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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