I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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