I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
