I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If I die, sorry about rent.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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