someone get that fucking seahorse.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
