im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
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