i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
