he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
